The shore that met me when I sailed away

         and the sun rays that jumped into the sea

         to draw a shadow of a castle opening its door

         and the hands of the waves that pedalled me back home

The rock that held me on a cliff

         its edges that cut and slowed me down

         its strength that built a fortress

         to where I hid and lived

The unseen that carried the scent of grace

         to every parched road I stepped into

         to every pale side I asked to quench

         to the losing breath that needed rescue

The fire that fuels and embraces me

        it burns

        it glows

        it satisfies

The shore, the sun rays, the waves

        the rock, the unseen, and the fire

        they are one and the same

        they are Love

Jesus, M.D.

It's been a while since I wrote here. Hehe. I've got lots of unpublished and unfinished works which, for now, exist only in scratch papers and my scattered brain. Despite that I wanna share something about one of my favorite books before I read it the second time. This book isn't just for aspiring doctors like me. THIS IS ABOUT JESUS. Knowing Jesus as the Great Physician leads us to knowing His other attributes as well, which you will find out if you read the book. :) This has spoken to my life in a very wonderful way. Being a doctor is not just a science or an art. It's about relationship. In this book, you will learn more about the personal and relational God that we have. :)

So, here is what I wrote at the backpage after my first reading:

Yey! I'm done with this book!

Jesus has taught me a lot of His ways. His message of love pierced through my soul that I can't help but just fan the flame He placed in my heart. I want to be part of what God is doing. I want to join Him in reaching out and healing a hurt and dying world.

The character of the Great Physician that really made an impact to me is His AVAILABILITY. This requires dropping everything and it's difficult. There's no way to meet this calling other than being consumed by the love of God.

Looking at the cross, you just can't help but be selfless -- abandoning and denying oneself -- for God to work through you. 

But for God to use us in healing this hurt and dying world, He must free us first from all hurts and give us a life eternal.

I was healed. Now I'm ready and committed to bring healing.


No matter what you're doing it does not change the truth that God has called us to join Him in healing this hurt and dying world. :)

Happy reading! ^__^

There's a cry in my heart... again... I mean... always...

Med School Adventure 101 : I Will Go The Distance

"Why me?"

I slept last night with that question in mind. After reading some blogs from a resident doctor, I felt a little discouraged at the challenges I would be facing. I knew such things would come yet I still chose to walk in this path I'm walking. Because I meant it when I said I want to make a difference. Because it is a serious business for me to touch lives. Because I was certain I am called. 

"Did I really understand my choice?"

When I am only three days close to the beginning of the real battle, I am again faced with fear. Fear of what? Fear that I could not make it. Fear that I would not get enough sleep. Fear of insanity. Fear of reading many books to the point that my brain could no longer absorb every bit of information. Fear that I could not spend more time with family and friends. Fear that I would not be much involved anymore in ministry. Fear that maybe someday I am not good enough to bring healing. Fear that maybe I would no longer have my own family or if I would have I would be physically absent most of the time especially on special occasions because I'm on call. Fear of giving so much of my time. Fear of forgetting how to live. Fear of being deprived of comfort. And many more.

"God, why me?"

Most of my experiences do not point me towards the medical field. I was more inclined to the literary, politics, organizational and social works. Yet why I had and continue to have this burden for the sick? Why do I feel this ache that if I quit, I am not getting God's best and just settling for less?

I felt so stupid after asking those three questions and feeling those fears because I knew in my heart those were lies. I knew that when God called me His elect, it was not because of my experiences, abilities, willingness, character and even my faith. Whatever failure I have, whether in my thinking or deeds, God's purpose remains unchanged and what I have right now is just a part of his big plan. God chose me and this should have led me to thanksgiving rather than asking why as if I am giving God a chance to have a second thought. God does not need to explain why me. In fact, "Why me?" is a wrong question because it has never been about me.

"Why not you?"

God's humor and gentleness is so comforting when He answered back the moment I woke up. It was a what-was-I-thinking moment. I again doubted His power. I am again overwhelmed of my weakness rather than be in awe of His greatness. I realized that in almost all of my life's affairs fear begins when I look at what I bring with me rather than what God places in me. I stopped reading the blog posts and just recalled some of God's promises. Not because I am in denial of the reality of being a doctor but primarily because they are not helping me build my faith. It is planting fear in me instead of excitement that God can do something that will transcend the ordinary. I have forgotten that with God in me, the way I will live my life will be different from theirs. I also have forgotten that I was bought for a price and I am no longer my own but His. So it is not for me to question God why would He do what pleases Him. Yes, this profession will cost me a lot but...

"How far will I go for the one I love?"

That is the last question that resounded in my head the entire day. How far? How far will I go for the one I love? I cannot say "that far" for this reflects uncertainty. I should know how far would I endure, how determined I am to go "that far" and how far is "that far". Every relationship should be defined and God defined it to me when He travelled from eternity to where I am. He went that far. He exchanged His comfort for my sake. He died so I could live. God went that far for the one He loves. I was at first afraid to answer thinking I may not be able to live up my decision. But as I fix my eyes on what God has done, I can say to every hump in the road that I will go the distance, no matter how tough, until God is pleased, until I see Him face to face. I believe in the power of words and this will be a declaration in my life everyday. I will go the distance. How far will I go for the one I love? I will go the distance.

"How far will I go for the one I love?" is a question applicable not only to medical school but in every area of my life: my convictions, relationships, dreams, finances, ministry, time, energy, health, etc. Everytime that question flashes in my mind, it spells out these words:

Patience

Endurance

Perseverance

Determination

Courage

Faithfulness

Faith

Hope

Sacrifice

Love

But there are two words that occupy a big space in my head: Love and Sacrifice, because they bring me back to the Cross. God taught me how to sacrifice. He taught me how to love. And this gives me an idea that everyday as I learn to sacrifice, I learn how to love.

No matter how strong the resistance is, no matter how tall the mountains and how deep the sea would be, love will never fail. God's love never fails. With that love in me, I will go the distance.

Med School Adventure 101 : Level 1 Radical Transformation

The radical transformation in my life that God was talking has begun. The first thing I recognized was this: stars became city lights and trees became buildings. I am both afraid and excited of what is next but I believe that everyday is a preparation. It was hard for me at first to receive this change but God was faithful in correcting me. He made me realize that every disciple is given the grace to be versatile so that God can place us anywhere he desires for his purpose. Like a clay being molded by the hand of the greatest potter, we must be submissive and flexible. For we are being transformed into a vessel of His love, which we are to share to the world. We are being painted with a beautiful design so he can display His glory. We can be made big or small depending on the purpose He has in mind. But it doesn't matter anyway how do we look like. As long as we are in the hands of the greatest potter, it is a promise that we will become good, pleasing and perfect to serve for His pupose and bring glory to His name. =)

I can't understand what I felt this morning. I woke up dreaming for a huge house with a magnificent architecture. There were large windows serving as barrier between me and the beautiful mountains and the sea. It was also a mirror for a chirpy sunlight. The house, a haven for fresh air and art. There was a grand piano and big chandeliers. Then the word "architecture" became alive in me. It was like a realization that I'm a fan of it too.

I want to live a simple life -- where in I wake up in peace with the beauty and harmony of art and music cuddling me. I wish I can do either art or music but I guess I was just born to appreciate. I think I am kind of mysterious. Yes, I am. I think? And only God can decipher me. He alone knows my heart. I also think I have my own world where my dreams and visions have a home and God is always my guest. Actually, he stays there, he never leaves. Because he created this kind of world for me. He is with me in my fascination for stars and raindrops and rainbow and thunder and clouds and...[...]. And we delight together with a background music, the nature's chorale.

Maybe in another world, which is outside my world, this is seen as nostalgia or a facade of loneliness. But I don't mind. I am satisfied that God can spell my smile or draw my heart's desires. This gives me the comfort of finding rest in him alone.

My joy is not in this world. I feel detached from everyday and I thank God for that. It is like he has given me an imagination that transports me to places of joy and solitude, to places of dreams and hopes. And I am happy because just this morning, I was in that vehicle.

My second realization was that I was wrong to think that I am just born to appreciate the beauty of art and music. I am rather called to take part in the most complicated form of them. A majestic creation, a superb masterpiece -- the human body and the human life. To the human body, I felt joy when I started to imagine myself studying its architecture, the details of how it was crafted, and how the music plays so to bring a life. To the human life, it was real joy to be given a privilege to build lives and listen to the music of every soul.

It is an honor to be a witness of God's artistry. I am humbled to be standing on a cliff watching God's workmanship. The awe that I felt has brought me to eternity in a long second.

I think I know why I felt that way. It is because God's presence is in me. As I am seeking God, I am also seeing the place where he chose to stay -- my heart. The heart whose broken strings and dark colors he fixed and turned into good melodies and brightness. I want to remain in the joy of experiencing the art and music that God created in my soul. I think and... yes, I just realized that in that eternity that I am talking is where I and God meet. That is the sound and texture of his romance. I feel so special every time I am brought there although I know that eternity for real is beyond my imagination. This gives me the comfort of being fearless, hopeful and joyful. It makes me different. Yes, I am different in his presence. This eternity I feel on earth makes me feel God's embrace and I want more of it.

Lessons From The Story of the Blind Bartimaeus

Mark 10:46-52

⁴⁶ Then they came to Jericho. As Jesus and his disciples, together with a large crowd, were leaving the city, a blind man, Bartimaeus (which means “son of Timaeus”), was sitting by the roadside begging. ⁴⁷ When he heard that it was Jesus of Nazareth, he began to shout, “Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!”⁴⁸ Many rebuked him and told him to be quiet, but he shouted all the more, “Son of David, have mercy on me!”⁴⁹ Jesus stopped and said, “Call him.”So they called to the blind man, “Cheer up! On your feet! He’s calling you.” ⁵⁰ Throwing his cloak aside, he jumped to his feet and came to Jesus.⁵¹ “What do you want me to do for you?” Jesus asked him.The blind man said, “Rabbi, I want to see.”⁵² “Go,” said Jesus, “your faith has healed you.” Immediately he received his sight and followed Jesus along the road.

1. "Then they came to Jericho."
Jesus was intentional in looking for us to heal and bless us. It was not that we called and it was compulsory for Him to come. He came, even before we asked, because He knew we were there and we needed him. He moves faster than our words. God is thoughtful! He knows our blindness and without His initiative we will not be able to see.

2. "...together with a large crowd..."
God wants to be known! And He does what he desires to attract our attention. This is because it is in His heart to have a relationship with each and everyone of us. God can even use our suffering for us to get to know Him.

3. The truth is we were beggars outside the court of God who were given love, compassion, mercy and grace. We were just beggars who, through Christ, were clothed with righteousness and given the privilege to be heirs of the kingdom, to be children of the King of kings. God wants us to live a life in view of his mercy, never forgetting who we are apart from Him and our position apart from His mercy. It is not because we possess the qualities of a prince or princess that we now belong to His house, rather, God's love is boundless that He is not ashamed to call us His own.

4. "When he heard that it was Jesus of Nazareth, he began to shout, 'Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!' Many rebuked him and told him to be quiet, but he shouted all the more, 'Son of David, have mercy on me!'"
This shows us the humility, courage and faith of the blind man. He knew he was helpless and Jesus was his only hope. He was not ashamed to shout the name of Jesus because he knew Jesus would not fail him. And above all, even if he did not see Jesus performing miracles (because he was blind), maybe he just heard about him from passerby, he believed. He had faith. Even if others rebuked him, he did not stop believing. His attitude was to persevere in asking for mercy. Because although he was physically blind, his heart saw Jesus' mercy in others and this gave him hope that he could also get the same mercy.

5. "Jesus stopped and said, 'Call him!'"
The ministry of Jesus made Him a busy man yet he was always available. Despite His busy schedule of going from one place to another to heal and perform miracles, He took time to stop and pay attention to the shouts of a beggar. This should teach us how kind our God is. No matter what our circumstances are and no matter who we think we are, He hears us. Even though He knows already what we are going to ask, God takes time to listen because His love has put us first.

6. God is a restorer. He restores lives. He restores our sight for us to see the grandeur of his love. His power. His glory. To see those enables us to reflect them and trust God that He can as well make us see the great things He prepared for us.

7. God is honored by our faith and we benefit from it.

8. Our faith enables us to follow Jesus along the road. This life is a road meant to be lived by faith and not by sight.

My God is a dressmaker.

The Lord God made garments of skin for Adam and his wife and clothed them. (Genesis 3:21)

Those words were like rain pouring down on me. And in awe, I soaked myself again in the greatness of God's love. The picture behind those words was like... frozen in my neural pathway. Haha! I could hardly explain the joy I felt when I realized that at that moment God's actions spoke louder than words. With just a simple sentence, He encrypted His message of love.

It appeared to me that not so long after the fall, God already told the story of salvation. The time of which His Son be made a sacrifice to many was a glimpse of what happened in Genesis 3:21 --- the Lord made garments of skin for Adam and his wife and clothed them.

If we examine the events in the verse, we would know that for God to dress Adam and Eve He had to make a clothing, described as garments of skin. This could mean that for God to make garments of skin, He had to slay an animal. A creature had to sacrifice its innocent blood. It died for the couple to live. Then God became a dressmaker. And He clothed them. He did not throw the dress at them. He clothed them Himself.

Just like what happened on the cross. Jesus shed innocent blood to clothe us with righteousness.

Let us consider also that the clothing was God's idea, not ours. Remember that Adam and Eve did nothing. They even did not ask God to dress them. They did not deserve any kindness. But it was God's mercy and grace that saved them from their nakedness. And God gave them clothing for free. God's compassion did not even allow His children to leave the garden naked.

So are we. We sinned. We were naked. Yet Christ became sin and endured the shame of being naked on that tree so we can be clothed with His righteousness. So we can be clothed with Himself. "For all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ." (Galatians 3:27)

To end this, I say to you "be confident" for God's love always comes through for rescue --- to protect us from the chains of sin, to free us from the coldness of death. For nothing can separate us from the love of God.

Jesus prayed.

Mark 6:46

... he went up on a mountainside to pray.

I really like this logic:

Jesus prayed.

We are molded into a character like his.

Therefore, we pray because Jesus prayed.

The verse gave me an impression that prayer has been the most significant routine in the life of Jesus. He went to serene places to spend time with the Father and even woke up early in the morning to have a quiet time. I wonder if you also noticed this --- before Jesus does something extraordinary, He prays. :)

You might ask why Jesus had to pray when He is thus far the way, the truth, and the life. Jesus, Who being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made Himself nothing, by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness (Philippians 2:6-7). Jesus humbled himself! He knew what it was like to be human because He became one of us. He knew that without the guidance of the Spirit, He could be tempted; without the Father's strength He might not be able to do the will of the Father. Jesus is the paragon of humility. He sought the Father's voice and was satisfied by His presence.

Above is the first (of my three primary reasons) and the most brilliant reason I could think of why I pray and put high regard in it: because Jesus prayed. If there is someone whose character is worth following, it is Jesus. I believe that for my life to be pleasing and honoring to God, it should be patterned to His standard which is seen perfectly in Jesus. In prayer, God is known. And Jesus models to me how to know more about God -- pray.

Second, I believe that prayer is more than a communication. It transcends the need to communicate. It is a fuel and a reflex in my relationship with God. This is not just an ordinary kind of communication. This is the kind with a commitment. This is the kind that does not need diplomacy but honesty. This is spoken by the heart -- a heart that is linked to His -- with transparency.

Third, prayer brings me into a right position before God. More than spending time with God, it is entering into His presence to commune with Him, humbling oneself before His holiness and fixing my eyes on His glory, not mine. It is when I choose to submit and listen to Him that I can only hear him clearly. And prayer changes me. It helps me see things in a perspective that is seen only through the eyes of God. Thus, prayer is a bridge to eternity.

4.19.12

a sapphire cloak is burnt
a golden ring is born
a zephyr touching every stone
seated on a pew gaping
on serene sward bathing
where the virescent turf is lain
stood a gray-haired doyen
on his hands a veiled chain
yoked to a sumptuous paramour in restrain

Zero Hour

Looking back on years when I wandered to give meaning to my existence makes me realize how much of life I was not able to live the way it should.

For five years, I suffered a headache for the one question I cannot answer and there was never a night I did not cry to sleep. In my mind, I cursed my Maker and even made a declaration that he does not exist. Spent long hours in the net searching for the meaning of life, bought books that could somehow hand me an explanation, talked to strangers whom I thought could share the same sentiments, and even explored the possibility of finding the answer in the afterlife, so "What if I take my life?" Yes, I saw beautiful things surrounded me but I thought they were just lies. I felt I was in a banquet of lies. I used to believe that "beauty is an illusion". "Yes, they were good. But do they matter? I don't even know why they exist."

I masked my desperation with neglect. I faked my sadness with preoccupation. It was exhausting to chase the wind, you know.

No friend has ever heard this agony. But I was wrong.

From total darkness a thick voice had to speak, "Where are you?"

And things changed. It was as if I am brought into the open from an empty closet.

I responded with a question to myself, "Where am I?" --- an epiphany that turned my life upside down. Just when my world was about to crush, I realized that being lost is not that I do not know where I am heading; being lost is not knowing where I am standing.


"I am standing in a blind alley before the Creator of all things seen and unseen. I am standing before the Love I cursed but ran after me. I am standing before the Breath who gave me this life. I am standing before the Answer and the Truth. I am standing before a Knight who came for rescue to offer me a clothing for my nakedness. I am standing before a Father who welcomes me with arms wide open. I am standing before the Cross whose blood cleansed me. I am standing before a holy God, compassionate, gracious, merciful, and whose love is patient and everlasting."

You see, sometimes God has to allow a shipwrecked life to save a life. He is good at bringing someone at the end of self-sufficiency. Sometimes God has to turn off the lights so we can appreciate the fire in his campground. And when I succumbed to his light, I saw life as extraordinary. My mourning was turned into dancing. Winter has gone, springtime has come.

That was sweet torture and I am grateful that God let that happen. For if he did not, I would not have known and treasured him and the life he gave. If things were not, I would not be able to see that only he can make the difference. And to intrude, he did not, I would not be able to live this life I am living --- at its full measure.

Can I dance with you?

I dream of a day when I can dance with you
in your palace, in your court where your presence is never few...

Clothed with the radiance of your glory
the whole place shouts your majesty
dressed by your blood, unashamed I come to you
crowned with your love, fearless I stare at you
played is the sweet melody of your voice
and my heart dances with yours
in your strength my hands are held
we do waltz, with your grace I am led.

On that day, I know it will be forever
and my dream will no longer be a dream.

On that day, after I have patiently waited...
CAN I DANCE WITH YOU?

Still, Small Voice

(18Jan2012)

Your whisper is carried by the breeze of silence
Enduring even in voices of agitation
A riveting hymn of my fullness
Kindled by the streams of your presence

Do not drop, I beseech
Forbid not your speech, I plead
A thirsty soul do not forbear
Flood your twang, give no space for air

Breathe unto the frozen shadows of terror
To rip the strings of tears and melancholic bows
Hum your dancing notes
Let it ride in the waves
Reach for my yearning ears, the sweet music of your crest and troughs

Oh! How wonderful are the tales of your tongue
Each word thumps, my heart jumps
Sing to me your thoughts
Sing to me, sing to me

I am a captive of your symphony
A hunter of your cadence
Resound, resound
Seize each streak that my heart radiates.

The Night Sky

(Tribute to 23October2011 stargazing)


When I look at the night sky
I see your smile from up high
You speak to me of your love ---
Your boundless, outlandish love

When I look at the night sky
I hear you sing a lullaby
It makes me lie down in your peace
It makes me rest in your kiss

You romance me with the stars, the clouds,
the thunder and the mountain breeze
My Love, this hand is for you to seize
You caress me with the sound of the crickets
My Love, this heart is for you to keep

The constellations bring me solace
Oh, how great is your wisdom to have put them in place
Your fingers are majestic
You hold them together in heaven's lake

Stars fall down at your breath
Just as you have walked from heaven unto earth
To see such beauty in the veil of darkness
Begets bliss in my nothingness

You... are my delight
The mist of fears gone, you shine so bright
I stay to wait for the dawn to ascend
My God, your love I know will never end.

I'm buying new pen and paper.

This is my first post here.

Why sudden change of site? Because I had sudden change of mind... and discipline.

Yes, I'm going back to writing. ^___^
I'm leaping cloud to cloud again.
I'm opening boxes of time again.
I'm diving into the sea of thoughts and words and images and sounds again.
I'm letting go of the melodies enclosed in rusty strings. I will let them fly now. I want to see them tingle.



[Old posts are located at http://sunsetandtea.tumblr.com]