There's a cry in my heart... again... I mean... always...

Med School Adventure 101 : I Will Go The Distance

"Why me?"

I slept last night with that question in mind. After reading some blogs from a resident doctor, I felt a little discouraged at the challenges I would be facing. I knew such things would come yet I still chose to walk in this path I'm walking. Because I meant it when I said I want to make a difference. Because it is a serious business for me to touch lives. Because I was certain I am called. 

"Did I really understand my choice?"

When I am only three days close to the beginning of the real battle, I am again faced with fear. Fear of what? Fear that I could not make it. Fear that I would not get enough sleep. Fear of insanity. Fear of reading many books to the point that my brain could no longer absorb every bit of information. Fear that I could not spend more time with family and friends. Fear that I would not be much involved anymore in ministry. Fear that maybe someday I am not good enough to bring healing. Fear that maybe I would no longer have my own family or if I would have I would be physically absent most of the time especially on special occasions because I'm on call. Fear of giving so much of my time. Fear of forgetting how to live. Fear of being deprived of comfort. And many more.

"God, why me?"

Most of my experiences do not point me towards the medical field. I was more inclined to the literary, politics, organizational and social works. Yet why I had and continue to have this burden for the sick? Why do I feel this ache that if I quit, I am not getting God's best and just settling for less?

I felt so stupid after asking those three questions and feeling those fears because I knew in my heart those were lies. I knew that when God called me His elect, it was not because of my experiences, abilities, willingness, character and even my faith. Whatever failure I have, whether in my thinking or deeds, God's purpose remains unchanged and what I have right now is just a part of his big plan. God chose me and this should have led me to thanksgiving rather than asking why as if I am giving God a chance to have a second thought. God does not need to explain why me. In fact, "Why me?" is a wrong question because it has never been about me.

"Why not you?"

God's humor and gentleness is so comforting when He answered back the moment I woke up. It was a what-was-I-thinking moment. I again doubted His power. I am again overwhelmed of my weakness rather than be in awe of His greatness. I realized that in almost all of my life's affairs fear begins when I look at what I bring with me rather than what God places in me. I stopped reading the blog posts and just recalled some of God's promises. Not because I am in denial of the reality of being a doctor but primarily because they are not helping me build my faith. It is planting fear in me instead of excitement that God can do something that will transcend the ordinary. I have forgotten that with God in me, the way I will live my life will be different from theirs. I also have forgotten that I was bought for a price and I am no longer my own but His. So it is not for me to question God why would He do what pleases Him. Yes, this profession will cost me a lot but...

"How far will I go for the one I love?"

That is the last question that resounded in my head the entire day. How far? How far will I go for the one I love? I cannot say "that far" for this reflects uncertainty. I should know how far would I endure, how determined I am to go "that far" and how far is "that far". Every relationship should be defined and God defined it to me when He travelled from eternity to where I am. He went that far. He exchanged His comfort for my sake. He died so I could live. God went that far for the one He loves. I was at first afraid to answer thinking I may not be able to live up my decision. But as I fix my eyes on what God has done, I can say to every hump in the road that I will go the distance, no matter how tough, until God is pleased, until I see Him face to face. I believe in the power of words and this will be a declaration in my life everyday. I will go the distance. How far will I go for the one I love? I will go the distance.

"How far will I go for the one I love?" is a question applicable not only to medical school but in every area of my life: my convictions, relationships, dreams, finances, ministry, time, energy, health, etc. Everytime that question flashes in my mind, it spells out these words:

Patience

Endurance

Perseverance

Determination

Courage

Faithfulness

Faith

Hope

Sacrifice

Love

But there are two words that occupy a big space in my head: Love and Sacrifice, because they bring me back to the Cross. God taught me how to sacrifice. He taught me how to love. And this gives me an idea that everyday as I learn to sacrifice, I learn how to love.

No matter how strong the resistance is, no matter how tall the mountains and how deep the sea would be, love will never fail. God's love never fails. With that love in me, I will go the distance.

Med School Adventure 101 : Level 1 Radical Transformation

The radical transformation in my life that God was talking has begun. The first thing I recognized was this: stars became city lights and trees became buildings. I am both afraid and excited of what is next but I believe that everyday is a preparation. It was hard for me at first to receive this change but God was faithful in correcting me. He made me realize that every disciple is given the grace to be versatile so that God can place us anywhere he desires for his purpose. Like a clay being molded by the hand of the greatest potter, we must be submissive and flexible. For we are being transformed into a vessel of His love, which we are to share to the world. We are being painted with a beautiful design so he can display His glory. We can be made big or small depending on the purpose He has in mind. But it doesn't matter anyway how do we look like. As long as we are in the hands of the greatest potter, it is a promise that we will become good, pleasing and perfect to serve for His pupose and bring glory to His name. =)

I can't understand what I felt this morning. I woke up dreaming for a huge house with a magnificent architecture. There were large windows serving as barrier between me and the beautiful mountains and the sea. It was also a mirror for a chirpy sunlight. The house, a haven for fresh air and art. There was a grand piano and big chandeliers. Then the word "architecture" became alive in me. It was like a realization that I'm a fan of it too.

I want to live a simple life -- where in I wake up in peace with the beauty and harmony of art and music cuddling me. I wish I can do either art or music but I guess I was just born to appreciate. I think I am kind of mysterious. Yes, I am. I think? And only God can decipher me. He alone knows my heart. I also think I have my own world where my dreams and visions have a home and God is always my guest. Actually, he stays there, he never leaves. Because he created this kind of world for me. He is with me in my fascination for stars and raindrops and rainbow and thunder and clouds and...[...]. And we delight together with a background music, the nature's chorale.

Maybe in another world, which is outside my world, this is seen as nostalgia or a facade of loneliness. But I don't mind. I am satisfied that God can spell my smile or draw my heart's desires. This gives me the comfort of finding rest in him alone.

My joy is not in this world. I feel detached from everyday and I thank God for that. It is like he has given me an imagination that transports me to places of joy and solitude, to places of dreams and hopes. And I am happy because just this morning, I was in that vehicle.

My second realization was that I was wrong to think that I am just born to appreciate the beauty of art and music. I am rather called to take part in the most complicated form of them. A majestic creation, a superb masterpiece -- the human body and the human life. To the human body, I felt joy when I started to imagine myself studying its architecture, the details of how it was crafted, and how the music plays so to bring a life. To the human life, it was real joy to be given a privilege to build lives and listen to the music of every soul.

It is an honor to be a witness of God's artistry. I am humbled to be standing on a cliff watching God's workmanship. The awe that I felt has brought me to eternity in a long second.

I think I know why I felt that way. It is because God's presence is in me. As I am seeking God, I am also seeing the place where he chose to stay -- my heart. The heart whose broken strings and dark colors he fixed and turned into good melodies and brightness. I want to remain in the joy of experiencing the art and music that God created in my soul. I think and... yes, I just realized that in that eternity that I am talking is where I and God meet. That is the sound and texture of his romance. I feel so special every time I am brought there although I know that eternity for real is beyond my imagination. This gives me the comfort of being fearless, hopeful and joyful. It makes me different. Yes, I am different in his presence. This eternity I feel on earth makes me feel God's embrace and I want more of it.

Lessons From The Story of the Blind Bartimaeus

Mark 10:46-52

⁴⁶ Then they came to Jericho. As Jesus and his disciples, together with a large crowd, were leaving the city, a blind man, Bartimaeus (which means “son of Timaeus”), was sitting by the roadside begging. ⁴⁷ When he heard that it was Jesus of Nazareth, he began to shout, “Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!”⁴⁸ Many rebuked him and told him to be quiet, but he shouted all the more, “Son of David, have mercy on me!”⁴⁹ Jesus stopped and said, “Call him.”So they called to the blind man, “Cheer up! On your feet! He’s calling you.” ⁵⁰ Throwing his cloak aside, he jumped to his feet and came to Jesus.⁵¹ “What do you want me to do for you?” Jesus asked him.The blind man said, “Rabbi, I want to see.”⁵² “Go,” said Jesus, “your faith has healed you.” Immediately he received his sight and followed Jesus along the road.

1. "Then they came to Jericho."
Jesus was intentional in looking for us to heal and bless us. It was not that we called and it was compulsory for Him to come. He came, even before we asked, because He knew we were there and we needed him. He moves faster than our words. God is thoughtful! He knows our blindness and without His initiative we will not be able to see.

2. "...together with a large crowd..."
God wants to be known! And He does what he desires to attract our attention. This is because it is in His heart to have a relationship with each and everyone of us. God can even use our suffering for us to get to know Him.

3. The truth is we were beggars outside the court of God who were given love, compassion, mercy and grace. We were just beggars who, through Christ, were clothed with righteousness and given the privilege to be heirs of the kingdom, to be children of the King of kings. God wants us to live a life in view of his mercy, never forgetting who we are apart from Him and our position apart from His mercy. It is not because we possess the qualities of a prince or princess that we now belong to His house, rather, God's love is boundless that He is not ashamed to call us His own.

4. "When he heard that it was Jesus of Nazareth, he began to shout, 'Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!' Many rebuked him and told him to be quiet, but he shouted all the more, 'Son of David, have mercy on me!'"
This shows us the humility, courage and faith of the blind man. He knew he was helpless and Jesus was his only hope. He was not ashamed to shout the name of Jesus because he knew Jesus would not fail him. And above all, even if he did not see Jesus performing miracles (because he was blind), maybe he just heard about him from passerby, he believed. He had faith. Even if others rebuked him, he did not stop believing. His attitude was to persevere in asking for mercy. Because although he was physically blind, his heart saw Jesus' mercy in others and this gave him hope that he could also get the same mercy.

5. "Jesus stopped and said, 'Call him!'"
The ministry of Jesus made Him a busy man yet he was always available. Despite His busy schedule of going from one place to another to heal and perform miracles, He took time to stop and pay attention to the shouts of a beggar. This should teach us how kind our God is. No matter what our circumstances are and no matter who we think we are, He hears us. Even though He knows already what we are going to ask, God takes time to listen because His love has put us first.

6. God is a restorer. He restores lives. He restores our sight for us to see the grandeur of his love. His power. His glory. To see those enables us to reflect them and trust God that He can as well make us see the great things He prepared for us.

7. God is honored by our faith and we benefit from it.

8. Our faith enables us to follow Jesus along the road. This life is a road meant to be lived by faith and not by sight.