Med School Adventure 101 : I Will Go The Distance

"Why me?"

I slept last night with that question in mind. After reading some blogs from a resident doctor, I felt a little discouraged at the challenges I would be facing. I knew such things would come yet I still chose to walk in this path I'm walking. Because I meant it when I said I want to make a difference. Because it is a serious business for me to touch lives. Because I was certain I am called. 

"Did I really understand my choice?"

When I am only three days close to the beginning of the real battle, I am again faced with fear. Fear of what? Fear that I could not make it. Fear that I would not get enough sleep. Fear of insanity. Fear of reading many books to the point that my brain could no longer absorb every bit of information. Fear that I could not spend more time with family and friends. Fear that I would not be much involved anymore in ministry. Fear that maybe someday I am not good enough to bring healing. Fear that maybe I would no longer have my own family or if I would have I would be physically absent most of the time especially on special occasions because I'm on call. Fear of giving so much of my time. Fear of forgetting how to live. Fear of being deprived of comfort. And many more.

"God, why me?"

Most of my experiences do not point me towards the medical field. I was more inclined to the literary, politics, organizational and social works. Yet why I had and continue to have this burden for the sick? Why do I feel this ache that if I quit, I am not getting God's best and just settling for less?

I felt so stupid after asking those three questions and feeling those fears because I knew in my heart those were lies. I knew that when God called me His elect, it was not because of my experiences, abilities, willingness, character and even my faith. Whatever failure I have, whether in my thinking or deeds, God's purpose remains unchanged and what I have right now is just a part of his big plan. God chose me and this should have led me to thanksgiving rather than asking why as if I am giving God a chance to have a second thought. God does not need to explain why me. In fact, "Why me?" is a wrong question because it has never been about me.

"Why not you?"

God's humor and gentleness is so comforting when He answered back the moment I woke up. It was a what-was-I-thinking moment. I again doubted His power. I am again overwhelmed of my weakness rather than be in awe of His greatness. I realized that in almost all of my life's affairs fear begins when I look at what I bring with me rather than what God places in me. I stopped reading the blog posts and just recalled some of God's promises. Not because I am in denial of the reality of being a doctor but primarily because they are not helping me build my faith. It is planting fear in me instead of excitement that God can do something that will transcend the ordinary. I have forgotten that with God in me, the way I will live my life will be different from theirs. I also have forgotten that I was bought for a price and I am no longer my own but His. So it is not for me to question God why would He do what pleases Him. Yes, this profession will cost me a lot but...

"How far will I go for the one I love?"

That is the last question that resounded in my head the entire day. How far? How far will I go for the one I love? I cannot say "that far" for this reflects uncertainty. I should know how far would I endure, how determined I am to go "that far" and how far is "that far". Every relationship should be defined and God defined it to me when He travelled from eternity to where I am. He went that far. He exchanged His comfort for my sake. He died so I could live. God went that far for the one He loves. I was at first afraid to answer thinking I may not be able to live up my decision. But as I fix my eyes on what God has done, I can say to every hump in the road that I will go the distance, no matter how tough, until God is pleased, until I see Him face to face. I believe in the power of words and this will be a declaration in my life everyday. I will go the distance. How far will I go for the one I love? I will go the distance.

"How far will I go for the one I love?" is a question applicable not only to medical school but in every area of my life: my convictions, relationships, dreams, finances, ministry, time, energy, health, etc. Everytime that question flashes in my mind, it spells out these words:

Patience

Endurance

Perseverance

Determination

Courage

Faithfulness

Faith

Hope

Sacrifice

Love

But there are two words that occupy a big space in my head: Love and Sacrifice, because they bring me back to the Cross. God taught me how to sacrifice. He taught me how to love. And this gives me an idea that everyday as I learn to sacrifice, I learn how to love.

No matter how strong the resistance is, no matter how tall the mountains and how deep the sea would be, love will never fail. God's love never fails. With that love in me, I will go the distance.